Sarah Too

It is Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent, and my traditional Catholic upbringing has me feeling reflective, contemplative, and introspective. I listened to an episode of one of the podcasts I have in regular rotation, and this passage from "The Next Right Thing" slowed down my heart, welled up my eyes, and had me exhale in deep recognition of it's universal truth.

"In the meantime, let’s remember this together. The goal of our lives, isn’t to be the most productive humans we can possibly be. The goal, the aim, is union with God and connection with each other. Our hearts beat for the kingdom, to join God in the restoration and renewal of all things. Because we are not people who believe this world will disappear and be irrelevant. We are people who believe the good, creative, life-giving work we do everyday can actually make a difference. We’re not trying to change the world -- Jesus already did that. Instead, we are joining him with our unique place, gifting, and personalities to bring hope and healing into the quiet, broken, chaotic, small, beautiful corners of our everyday lives."

Take or leave the God stuff if it's not your bag (I certainly skim right over it), but the heart of this passage bears our shared human truth. Humans are made for connection. Brene Brown has the data points to back up that fact. And the small, daily acts of love, kindness, and consideration we perform make up our lives. In their accumulation, they make a difference. YOU make a difference. And that last sentence sums up so completely why you make a difference.

"...to bring hope and healing into the quiet, broken, chaotic, small, beautiful corners of our everyday lives."

That passage inspired me to forward it to a few of my friends that I knew would appreciate it. It also moved to me to send a word or two of encouragement and love to some people I knew needed to hear it. Those loved ones were of course women and mothers who are immersed in life-giving work every minute of the day -- in service to children of their own, to students, to significant others, to passions and causes that shape their lives. Women who give me so much hope and encouragement when I am feeling overwhelmed and broken.

Take a moment today and remember your gifts, your talents, your light. Then share it with a friend, a stranger, a human in need of some light. Because who you are, where you are, and what you have is enough to make a difference. No hustle required.

It's been almost 3 years since we sold "the box", but there are many days where I miss writing daily blog posts for our old CrossFit gym. I used that space not only for sharing the Workout of the Day (WOD), but for thoughts about fitness, technique, and tips to remember while performing various movements and exercises. I also used it for sharing thoughts on how fitness shapes our perspective and our life philosophy. It was my way of having a deeper conversation about what caring for yourself means, and I miss the regularity of the opportunity. While it could be onerous to gather daily content beyond the posting of the Workout of the Day, it was I task I mostly enjoyed.

Recently, I have been devoting a great deal of time to my writing, and nostalgia over my daily fitness blogging pushed me to compile a "Best Of" list of posts from my stint as a "box owner" and "coach". This was something I had hopes of doing as a last, farewell post prior to officially selling the gym, but with an infant and a preschooler running around at the time, it just never materialized. Two-and-half years later, here is that post. Some of these are among our most viewed of all time, and some are just personal favorites. If I could go back and edit any them, the one thing I would most definitely change is the pronouns -- from "you" to "we" -- because we are all in this together.

"The Difficulty of Change" -- my most personal post; on what happened when I chucked my life into the fire. Spoiler alert: #worthit

"Clocks and Scales" -- easily one of the most timeless, and important, of all my posts for our athletes (and me), this one speaks to using all our data collection as a means for measuring progress instead of measuring self-worth.

"Peeing During WODs is NOT NORMAL" -- on pelvic floor health and why it matters.

"Winter Solstice" -- on the importance of rest.

"Progress in the Balance" -- on fitness goals, PRs, and healthy living.

"Smarter Than the Average Bear" -- on the mind-body connection and the need to be engaged in our fitness by continually challenging ourselves.

"Kelly's Story" -- not written by me, but by someone I love. She still amazes me every day. She is one of the best humans I know.

"Women and Sport" -- on how CrossFit defies gender norms when it comes to fitness.

"Can You Keep Up With Life?" -- on what motivates us to get healthy and stay healthy; it's about what our bodies can DO.

"Will CrossFit Make Me Bulky?" -- NO.

"The Ability to Defeat Decrepitude" -- on looking at fitness as more than just a means toward achieving a dress size.

"CrossFitting While Pregnant" -- it's time to stop judging.

"An Ode to the Doubleunder" -- on why we hate them, and how to achieve them

"The Bottom of the Pyramid" -- on how the CRAP we put in our mouths affects how we perform.

"Cherry Picking" -- on how we don't always get to choose the challenges placed in front of us.

"5 Years...And Beyond" -- a heartfelt reflection on the sale of the gym

Yeah, sure, modern farmhouse positivity...

So here I am after a year of upheaval in which:

• - I quit a beloved job in policy analysis that fulfilled my soul’s need for learning, curiosity, and advocacy for policies rooted in facts (a foreign concept in the current political atmosphere in most of our city councils, state houses, and of course, Congress); 
• - we sold our first home and moved to a new state; 
• - both of our beloved cats died within months of each other; and 
• - we built a new house that required not one, but two temporary rental home stays including one in a tiny house.

I am reeling from the changes as is my oldest child who continues missing friends and family from two states away and from our neighborhood we inhabited over this past summer. I am still coming to grips with the financial investment a move and a new home entails.

Every stage of this past year felt like something I endured rather than something I/we achieved.

• - Survived selling a house with littles: Check. 
• - Survived a job-induced separation from husband for 4.5 months: Check. 
• - Survived 3 moves in less than a year: Check. 
• - Survived living in a tiny house for 5 months: Check.

I survived. Where is my t-shirt? Trophy? Merit badge? Ahhhhh…no. That's just life, little missy. Now, please endure a search for gainful employment — one of the most delightful of all the endurance tests life metes out.

Thus, my current status is having a priviledged white lady crisis because I cannot figure out what to do with my grown ass self. I’m looped in my own head and trying to find the wrench that will make it stop. Alas, I tire so easily and I’m stuck in a quagmire of bad habits and negative thinking. I scroll through my phone using the same old apps and websites, I binge watch yet another show on Prime or Netflix. I get upset and exasperated by the news and by job searching. I am lost and struggling with navigating how to move forward in my life. I am uninspired, frustrated, angry, and sad. It is as it sounds — utterly fantastic.

As I look for employment I also encounter so many job descriptions that want potential applicants to be available for night and weekend shifts or have 24/7 availability for changing shift schedules and I get so pissed off. How does one coordinate child care when the schedule is always changing? How do you enjoy time together as a family if everyone is on a different schedule? I know this is a thing that people do, but SHOULD it be a thing that people do?

I also think there is a prevailing myth that despite stagnating wages, increasing health care, food, and gas costs, and working longer hours for fewer benefits we need to maintain an almost constant attitude of gratefulness, i.e., feeling "hashtag blessed" that "today is a good day to have a good day". You know what I mean -- all those inspirational quotes you see on internet memes and on artfully distressed modern farmhouse throw pillows, mugs, candles, and wall decor. Maybe it’s a sign of my current mental health that I find all this positive feel-good modern farmhouse bullshit sign decor inauthentic -- like forcing a smile between gritted teeth in the face of daily realities and heartaches.

In the process of clawing for answers from all the books, podcasts, and internet memes I realize there is no shortage of opinions and advice on success, building/creating/crafting your life. But it all pretty much centers on the same advice that Shakespeare, the ancient sages, and Oprah have all served up before: know thyself, show up, do the work, dare to fail.

All of this rambling is a lengthy way of saying I see you, reader. YOU who struggles with the same damn challenges — responsibilities, obligations, finding fulfillment, and maintaining a finely-balanced positive modern farmhouse decor attitude (light, airy, inspiring, and full of shiplap and perfectly distressed furniture that embodies a vibe of both sophisticated comfort and casual familiarity). We all know that kind of studied perfection just isn’t possible without a team of hundreds, a huge budget, great lighting, and never, EVER actually using the space for the intended purpose.

So, I’ll just be over here where it’s messy (usually hot, too), loud, uncomfortable, and mixed up. I'm sorting through the wreckage of a particularly challenging year while trying my best to find joy and inspiration for my next steps. I’ll let you know what I learn along the way. Below is what I've been reading and listening to in my quest for authentic self-actualization while I wait for actual paid work to arrive magically unbidden at my doorstep (she writes while laugh crying into her child's leftover lunch).

The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, PhD
Braving the Wilderness, by Brene Brown
Hands Free Mama, by Rachel Macy Stafford
Beautiful Trauma, P!nk

Our Tiny House

I have to admit I wasn't looking forward to this year's summer break from school. I feared I was in for 2 1/2 months of constant bickering between my boys. I haven't loved tiny house living either. But the Lord works in mysterious ways and I find myself full of absolute gratitude for the summer the boys and I have had.

T.I. Park Pavillion

I recently flew from Iowa to New York and back with my two boys, ages 4 and 17 months, for a two-week visit with my family. Just me and my two busy, curious boys. Oh how I wished I was a celebrity with a nanny for each child and perhaps even a private plane.

In the weeks leading up to the trip I worried -- A LOT -- about how to get two squirmy, active little humans -- and our luggage -- through security, on and off planes, and through airports over many hours with as few mommy or kiddo meltdowns as possible. What follows are my tips for making the journey as smooth as possible even with gate changes, delayed flights, and other snags that can pop up when traveling.

My mind is a blur of thought these days. In October of last year, I made the decision to quit coaching CrossFit and stay home full time to care for Bman (and grow increasingly larger during the last months of my pregnancy with our second child). It was a sea change for me. When I confirmed my pregnancy around this time last year, it was a relief and a terror. Relief that the Mister and I no longer needed to debate whether to have a second child. Terror that we were about to upset the "new normal" we fought so hard to establish after the birth of Bman. Neither of these feelings is revolutionary or unique to us as parents.

Y'all, 2016 is going to be a big year. Baby #2 is about 6 weeks away from entering this world; so really, any day our family will grow by two extra feet. I'm already exhausted. I feel terrible for Bman and the Mister. My functioning as a Mom and Partner have been...subpar. I mean, no one is starving, abused, or dying, but I'm certainly not as enthusiastic or motivated as when I am not pregnant.