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| Yeah, sure, modern farmhouse positivity... |
- - I quit a beloved job in policy analysis that fulfilled my soul’s need for learning, curiosity, and advocacy for policies rooted in facts (a foreign concept in the current political atmosphere in most of our city councils, state houses, and of course, Congress);
- - we sold our first home and moved to a new state;
- - both of our beloved cats died within months of each other; and
- - we built a new house that required not one, but two temporary rental home stays including one in a tiny house.
I am reeling from the changes as is my oldest child who continues missing friends and family from two states away and from our neighborhood we inhabited over this past summer. I am still coming to grips with the financial investment a move and a new home entails.
Every stage of this past year felt like something I endured rather than something I/we achieved.
- - Survived selling a house with littles: Check.
- - Survived a job-induced separation from husband for 4.5 months: Check.
- - Survived 3 moves in less than a year: Check.
- - Survived living in a tiny house for 5 months: Check.
I survived. Where is my t-shirt? Trophy? Merit badge? Ahhhhh…no. That's just life, little missy. Now, please endure a search for gainful employment — one of the most delightful of all the endurance tests life metes out.
Thus, my current status is having a priviledged white lady crisis because I cannot figure out what to do with my grown ass self. I’m looped in my own head and trying to find the wrench that will make it stop. Alas, I tire so easily and I’m stuck in a quagmire of bad habits and negative thinking. I scroll through my phone using the same old apps and websites, I binge watch yet another show on Prime or Netflix. I get upset and exasperated by the news and by job searching. I am lost and struggling with navigating how to move forward in my life. I am uninspired, frustrated, angry, and sad. It is as it sounds — utterly fantastic.
As I look for employment I also encounter so many job descriptions that want potential applicants to be available for night and weekend shifts or have 24/7 availability for changing shift schedules and I get so pissed off. How does one coordinate child care when the schedule is always changing? How do you enjoy time together as a family if everyone is on a different schedule? I know this is a thing that people do, but SHOULD it be a thing that people do?
I also think there is a prevailing myth that despite stagnating wages, increasing health care, food, and gas costs, and working longer hours for fewer benefits we need to maintain an almost constant attitude of gratefulness, i.e., feeling "hashtag blessed" that "today is a good day to have a good day". You know what I mean -- all those inspirational quotes you see on internet memes and on artfully distressed modern farmhouse throw pillows, mugs, candles, and wall decor. Maybe it’s a sign of my current mental health that I find all this positive feel-good modern farmhouse bullshit sign decor inauthentic -- like forcing a smile between gritted teeth in the face of daily realities and heartaches.
In the process of clawing for answers from all the books, podcasts, and internet memes I realize there is no shortage of opinions and advice on success, building/creating/crafting your life. But it all pretty much centers on the same advice that Shakespeare, the ancient sages, and Oprah have all served up before: know thyself, show up, do the work, dare to fail.
All of this rambling is a lengthy way of saying I see you, reader. YOU who struggles with the same damn challenges — responsibilities, obligations, finding fulfillment, and maintaining a finely-balanced positive modern farmhouse decor attitude (light, airy, inspiring, and full of shiplap and perfectly distressed furniture that embodies a vibe of both sophisticated comfort and casual familiarity). We all know that kind of studied perfection just isn’t possible without a team of hundreds, a huge budget, great lighting, and never, EVER actually using the space for the intended purpose.
So, I’ll just be over here where it’s messy (usually hot, too), loud, uncomfortable, and mixed up. I'm sorting through the wreckage of a particularly challenging year while trying my best to find joy and inspiration for my next steps. I’ll let you know what I learn along the way. Below is what I've been reading and listening to in my quest for authentic self-actualization while I wait for actual paid work to arrive magically unbidden at my doorstep (she writes while laugh crying into her child's leftover lunch).
The Dance of Anger, by Harriet Lerner, PhD
Braving the Wilderness, by Brene Brown
Hands Free Mama, by Rachel Macy Stafford
Beautiful Trauma, P!nk
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