Sarah Too

Bman at 3 months, ready for a fall walk

Well, around this time last year, I certainly had some thoughts on pregnancy. I tell you now, motherhood seems infinitely easier than pregnancy. I can move my body the way I want to, I can be the CrossFit coach I want to be, and there is no time for anxiety because there is only time to take action. If Bman needs food, or sleep, or diapering, or a change of scenery, then there is no worrying over what might be. I can only address what is.

And therein lies the major of rub of mothering a newborn and infant: what is. There is no room for my own agenda because "what is" is the needs of a helpless little human. I spent most of my 34 years behaving selfishly - doing what I wanted, when I wanted to do it. My ego has a major meltdown on some days lately because what I want is a long, leisurely shower, or an uninterrupted meal, or to languish over a hot cup of coffee, or to leave the house with no idea on when I might return. These days, the wailing of an infant that won't nap interrupts most things just when I thought I might have a chance for some "me" time. [Baby Law #1: The moment you sit down and relax is the moment the screaming starts.] And when I do get some uninterrupted "me" time - either for sleep or even an evening out - my lactating boobs wake me up or tell me to get back to baby for relief.

The most challenging part of parenthood is without a doubt the giving over one's self to the demands of another, and taking each moment as it comes. The laundry will get done. A shower will be had. Meals will be eaten. It all just doesn't happen at the moment I think of it and want it to be done. The worst days that Bman and I have are the days on which my mind focuses on my to do list instead of what is happening right in front of me. When I am wanting to just settle Bman down so I can do something else, that's when frustration levels rise - his and mine - synergistically. Naps go haywire, and the crying or whining goes on longer than either of us would like. Those are also the days where I beat myself up for figuring out too slowly why Bman is upset and for falling short as a parent.

Last, I must remind myself constantly that while caring for Bman is indeed taking up most of what I have to give of myself right now, being his Mom is not all that I am or ever will be. I am still that woman who enjoys reading, travel, adventure, CrossFit, business ownership, personal challenges, conversing with my Mister, and nights out with her best girlfriends; however, these days there are many more logistics for enjoying all of those pursuits because I filled my life with a cool little dude that is re-introducing me (and the Mister) to the world through his own discovery of it. And that, my friends, is what cools the heat of my frustration when I forget to slow down.

Bman, livin' large at 4.5 mos